On The Road to Mother’s Day Without a Daughter

This is going to be a year of firsts - my first hosting of Passover Seder and my first Easter (holiday swap) at my friend Donna’s, without my Sweet Sara. I made it through, with much love and support from friends and family, but now I’m anticipating the heartache of Mother’s Day without my only daughter.

passover seder at my house 2025. i’m wearing sara’s sweater.

Easter at my friend donna’s 2025 (lola was with me, just out of frame in the picture)

Last year during Mother's Day weekend I was visiting Sara in Albuquerque. She had, unbeknown to me, made an appointment with a bridal shop to look at wedding gowns. Of course she found one, and I cried with joy thinking what a beautiful bride she would be in June of 2025. She was instead buried in that gown.

Sara tryng on her wedding gown, mother’s day weekend 2024

Sara picking up her fitted wedding gown november 2024

I am having a bit of a set-back on my grief journey. I’m still going to the grief group Ian’s Place on a weekly basis. In fact, Sara’s father came with me to two meetings while he was in town last week. He wanted to go to Shabbat services with me at my synagogue to understand more about Sara’s embracing of her Judaism. I also invited him to my Passover Seder - his first - to understand more about our traditions. It was a comfort for me too, having her brother and sister attend as well, sharing our love for Sara during a deeply meaningful Jewish holiday.

Sara’s father, ed janz, visiting during passover 2025

Sara’s dad, her sister amy and her brother brian at passover 2025

I believe now that these holidays are over and everyone is back to their own lives, the loneliness has crept back in and its painful grip will not let up. Yes, I still have my “pack” of four, but the one-sided conversations just don’t seem as fulfilling. Yes, I still have the support of my incredible sister Pam, and my dear friends, Turi, Donna and Susan who stayed with me on alternating nights during the first month, but I feel guilty leaning on them, as they all have their own lives to live.

Sara’s cat simon and my cat lulu (now, both are my cats) birdwatching

My friend Donna, lola and me at Donna’s easter brunch 2025

My friend susan at passover 2025 (her first seder)

My next imminent hurdle will be Mother’s Day. I simply cannot spend it with my sister’s family, although I am clearly invited and welcomed. I think it would be worse to spend it alone, wallowing in self-pity. Here’s where all of you come into play.

Mother’s day 2023 with sara, my sister pam and brother-in-law pete

Please know I have been reading all of your comments, both on my website and on social media. I am overwhelmed (in a good way) by your love and support, even though I don’t respond to all the comments.

Hiking with sara at elena gallegos, abq july 2024

My cousin Bob, and his beloved Judy suggested I volunteer my time on Mother's Day to do an “Aliyah ha-Neshama," ie, a good deed that will also benefit Sara’s soul. I think this is a lovely idea, but I’m having trouble finding a place to volunteer my time.

Lola and me out to lunch with my cousin bob and his friend judy, march 2025

Of course an animal shelter is the first thing that popped into my mind, but then I can’t take my service dog Lola, which I really need to do. I can’t volunteer at any place dealing with mothers, which would be incredibly difficult, so I’m reaching out to all of you for suggestions.

Regardless of what I end up doing, I’m sure it will be bittersweet - knowing I’m helping not only others, but also helping Sara’s soul rise to a higher spiritual plane - but at the same time, missing her with all my heart and soul.

Sara and friends at my halloween “live shot” after the barbie movie came out 2023

My Rabbi, Max Weiss told me early on, the depth of my grief will be equal to the depth of my love for my Sweet Sara. My response was, I will be grieving her from deep in my heart for the rest of my life,

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On The Road to Mother’s Day Without a Daughter

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