On The Road to Forever Learning

What grief has taught me…compassion, understanding and patience. Don’t get me wrong, there are still many days when I break down in tears, trying to make sense of what has happened, and how can I possibly move through my “new life” without Sara.

At the same time, I have a new understanding of something I never thought I could live through in the first place.

I went to an event last night hundreds of guests strong, where I ran into several people who had suffered devastating loss, or knew a friend of mine who did. I felt a different connection, a new compassion for those struggling to make sense of that loss.

Lola and I on our way to Barbara Bates 40th Anniversary at the obama presidential center

Barbara bates being celebrated for 40 years of bates designs

I owe many of my friends who became bereaved parents ahead of me an apology, for my ignorance when their loss occurred.

For my friend who lost a child - I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing.

For my friend who doesn’t know her purpose in life 5 years after the loss of her child - surely that couldn’t be me 5 years from now.

For my friend who tragically lost a spouse, I would never bring it up for fear of saying the wrong thing.

You know who you are, and I am deeply sorry for not being more supportive.

What I have learned after nearly 2 years of living without my only child, my best friend, my everything, is that grief never goes away - how could it? The hole left in my heart by Sara’s passing will never be filled, but it does change shape. I am learning how to move through life managing my loss.

Yes. I am still triggered by certain things, but not as often. I am able to talk about Sara wth joy and love without crying. I find peace working in Sara’s Garden, knowing she would approve, and probably take pictures if she were here!

I have more patience for things that would have upset me prior to my loss - however I am still annoyed by traffic and reckless drivers - but I digress!

My point is, this is still a learning process. If you know someone who has lost a child, don’t be afraid to talk with them about their child. Say their name - we love to hear their names, it won’t hurt any more than we already do. It hurts more when you try to politely avoid the subject all together. Ask me about Sara - I love to talk about her and share stories.

Sara and I at the Chicago auto show gala

sara AND I AT THE MAKING STRIDES AGAINST BREAST CANCER WALK

I am still a work in progress. I wasn’t sure if I could have gotten through last night’s event without being triggered, but I did, and actually enjoyed myself - and stayed until the very end.

BONNIE Deshong with me and lola at barbara bates 40th anniversary

Michele fiore with Lola and me at barbara bates 40th anniversary

bates designs fashion show at the obama presidential center

I am taking a major step forward by signing up for a European trip with my synagogue this coming spring - my first big adventure without Sara. How I will do remains to be seen, but I have to try.

I am beyond grateful for the love and support from family, close friends and those I don’t even know, who approach me when I’m out and about to give condolences and prayers. Prayers are always welcome, as I continue to evolve through this journey I never expected to be on. Thank you for your grace and compassion. I hope to do the same in return.

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On The Road to Forever Learning

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